rebecca jade mcguire: pure nonsense

Not A Sarcastic Post. Don't Worry; This Suprised Me Also.

2012-02-02T10:54:00.000+10:00

My little dog is a brave one. At the beginning of our tree change journey she confidently declared “Yes, I will most certainly be coming with you!” by jumping into the car without any knowledge of ‘where’, just the physical hints of a move; our bags packed and loaded. She then fluttered about the inside, all 30 centimetres by 40 centimetres of her, with ball in mouth, and with excitement, as we made our way west, Brisbane to the range. She didn’t look back.

Two hours later, we had arrived. All we wanted was acreage, having had our limbs cramped for the last ten years from living in tiny, inner-city and over-priced apartments. And we got our acreage. 10 acres of it, completely unseen. A bold move, but one soon surpassed by Molly’s immediate leap out of the car, and her grey-hound-like bolt up the 40 metre driveway, which of course tired her. Fox terrier legs are little.

Upon opening the gate, she dashed off again, as if she’d discovered that our property was farming Schmakos, and for the rest of the afternoon she explored, placing her tiny nose in everything that would accommodate it. I don’t believe there’s been one part of our immediate yard that’s gone un-sniffed, or not annoyed. Those poor bearded dragons.

And this bravery and curiosity has continued. The unexpected ‘pest man’ got a scare when she immediately went to challenge his arrival. I, on the other hand, stood on the deck shaking, wondering who was walking the halls of my home.

Similarly, all bumps in the night have yielded a prompt pitter pattering of paws, making their way to the source, paired with an intimidating growl.

The same growl served to terrify a neighbour’s dog that made its way onto our property last week. A staffy cross bulldog perhaps, and infinity times the size of Molly. A fact that did not at all concern her however, and the ‘enemy’ soon hurriedly hit the road.

Miss Molly is 4 kilograms of bravery and my latest inspiration. Having moved from family and familiarity to the complete unknown, it will serve me well to take a leaf from her book. I’m jumping into to this Downs’ life, headfirst, tail-wagging.

Interview time - Sandi Sieger. Oh yes!

2011-12-07T08:49:00.000+10:00

This is Sandi Sieger.

Stunner.

Aside from being awesome, she's the editor of Onya Magazine, LOVES her dog...and much more. We came to know each other after she published some of my work. That's what happens when you threaten someone. But really, here's Sandi...enjoy :)

About Sandi: Sandi Sieger started writing when she was six years old. She has the first journal she ever wrote in, which declared, ‘When I grow up I want to be a writer,’ and included sentiments such as, ‘If some kid ever beat me in a running race, I’d probably bash them up.’

She is now a twenty-seven year old writer and editor based in Melbourne. She is the Director and Editor-In-Chief of Onya Magazine and the General Manager at White Echo.

1. Have you ever eaten chalk?

No. Nor sniffed glue. Or licked textas. Or eaten paper. Or slurped clag. I just didn’t have that urge in primary school to eat the contents of my pencil case at recess. I preferred parmesan cheese.

2. Did you own Agrovation?

I was Agro’s biggest fan. I loved him. And I loved, and owned, Agrovation. In fact, if I searched through the boxes in my parent’s garage, I’m sure I would find it there. I remember dancing to that tape over many summers. I could recite every song off by heart.

‘Oh how I wish I were a little boy again, living in a chiiiiiillllllddddd’s dream…do do do do do do do do do doooooo…’

‘Agro, agro vation!’

And Hand of Solid Gold always gave me goosebumps.

I loved how irreverent Agro was, how honest, how agro.

I loved his face. His mad, full of teeth face. It’s a real shame children today don’t have a positive influence in their life like Agro. Everything is so PC and bland and dull – things would be better if kids had a mad puppet to accompany their breakfast cereal in the mornings.

He may have very well been the greatest influence on my life.

3. How annoying was DJ's friend Kimmy in Full House?

So annoying I don’t even remember her. I don’t even remember DJ. I remember Full House. The Olsen twins. Bob Saget. And John Stamos – but who doesn’t? Everyone wanted a cool uncle like Jesse.

4. Do you think you'd have an attractive shaved head?

Absolutely not. I have a big head. Not metaphorically, literally. I don’t have one of those dainty little pixie faces. I err on the side of Bert Newton. Ol’ moonface. It’s half my luck my hair is wild and curly because it balances out the breadth of my face.

5. Does the taste of gorgonzola outweigh the stink breath it gives you?

Yes. All cheeses are worth the side effects.

6. Would you wear overalls if/when they make a comeback?

I’m so there. And now all I can think about is finding my Agrovation tape and then the overalls I used to dance to Agrovation in. Because they were pretty much the two most wonderful things about being a child in the ‘90s. Even more cool than bubblegummers.

I had Mickey Mouse overalls. Floral overalls. Denim, obviously.

They really were the perfect outfit. Practical. And hip, if you unclasped one side and let it hang - a little bit like Kelly from Beverley Hills 90210.

7. How awesome is Natalie Barr on Sunrise?

I wouldn’t know. I’m proudly a Channel 9 viewer. If the TV is on in the morning (which is rare, because I lost all interest in morning television once Agro’s Cartoon Connection stopped airing) then it’s firmly placed on Channel 9. I’d take 10 Karl Stefanovic’s over one Kochie. Any day. And plus, Lisa Wilkinson is my favourite morning TV brunette.

8. Do you wish someone would buy you gak?

If they are still producing those scented versions, then perhaps someone can and I can eat some and then re-answer question 1. Which wasn’t the question, but I’ll feel better about at least ingesting something inappropriate.

9. Do you ever worry that one day you'll fall over ice-skating and that the blade on your skate will cut you?

Not once and nor do I ever imagine having such a worry – because I am an exceptional ice-skater. Along with an exceptional roller-skater and roller-blader. Be it four wheels or two or a metal blade, nothing can bring me down.

Not even when the DJ reminds everyone to make sure they skate in the one direction and no one does – I’m like a ballerina on the ice.

10. Why are hot chips so horrible when you reheat them?

Why did the potato chip cross the road?

To get to the other fried.

A Definition.

2011-12-01T13:03:00.000+10:00

Hi guys!

So, have you ever heard of the length of time measurement called FOREVOR?

No?

Well, according to the Oxford Rebecctionary:

forevor (adjective)

(pron: for-ev-oooooorrrrrrr)

the time it takes for:

a mosquito bite to disappear from one's toe
a blind pimple to get off one's face
one's home-cut fringe to grow back
one's bloating to subside for one to not look pregnant in one's dress
one to get from A to B with an anxious dog, and the delights that come along with her being 'anxious' (yes - pooing in the car!)
a pap smear to be over (get that out of me)
Today Tonight to finish
waiting for one's loved one to return from overseas
Telstra to fix anything
the crappy support act to finish (Sparkadia)
Tony Abbott to say something valuable
Me to say something sensible
Me to finish my 'hilarious' or very important stories

What's your definition of FOREVOR?

Interview time - Kylie Ladd!

2011-11-25T08:41:00.000+10:00

This is Kylie Ladd. She's a novelist, bright spark, and witty Tweeter.

She was also ~~bored~~ kind enough to answer my ten questions. I also promised to stop hanging around her backyard if she did.

Bio:

Kylie Ladd has written about parenting, the World Cup, meeting her husband on jury service, egg donation, the Edinburgh Festival, the prefrontal cortex and losing her religion, but all people ever ask her about are the dirty bits in her books. Her second novel (fourth book), Last Summer, was published by Allen and Unwin in July, and she is currently tearing her hair out over her third. You can follow her on Twitter: @kylie_ladd

So, let my rubbish begin:

1. Do you like to secretly race people when you're sharing a staircase?

Not unless I think I can beat them, but then I don’t make it a secret. Hah! Eat my dust, old lady. Out of my way, preggo chickie. You also don’t want to share a lane with me when I’m swimming laps. I trained at the Laurie Lawrence school of aquatic restraint.

2. What children's clothing item do you wish to be acceptable to wear as an adult?

Rompers. I’m not sure about comfort, I’d just like to get home from work and announce to my partner “Hey, honey, I’m going to slip into my romper.” And then I would romp.

3. Who doesn't love school fetes?

A woman who has been in charge of the sausage sizzle for the last three. Sorry, we’re out of mustard. Piss off.

4. Do you enjoy singing the rude response to "Am I ever going to see your face again?" as much as I do?

Ooh, yeah. In fact, that very song featured in my latest novel, Last Summer, where it was played at the funeral of the main character. In his case, I guess the answer was no.

5. Do new shoes always hurt to teach you a lesson for spending so much money?

Nah, my new shoes always hurt to teach me not to buy them from Spendless. I never listen. I’m not even interested in shoes. Hello? Why the echo? And where did all my female followers go??

6. How awesome is it when you discover a secret clump of Milo at the bottom of your cup?

Hmm- that is indeed an awesome moment for my daughter, who loves her morning Milo, but then she is nine years old. I am far too sophisticated for such things (and I also prefer Quik, which floats).

7. What are your thoughts on loud-breathers?

No wait! Don’t hang up. I need someone to talk to.

8. Will it rain tomorrow?

It will rain, hail, sleet, snow, fine up, simmer, bake and scorch. I live in Melbourne, and I have a washing fetish. I’m never bored.

9. What song do you enjoy singing (its entirety) in horrendous falsetto?

Can’t do falsetto- I’ll leave that (and my body) to Bono- but I do love belting out a linguistically tricky song as quickly as I can. Example: One Week by Bare Naked Ladies... Chickity China the Chinese chicken, you have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin', like watchin' X-Files with no lights on we're dans la maison I hope the Smoking Man's in this one. Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic, like Sting I'm tantric, like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy, like Kurasawa I make mad films, ‘kay, I don't make films but if I did they'd have a samurai. Gonna get a set a' better clubs gonna find the kind with tiny nubs just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing, gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon 'cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes that make me think the wrong thing. Join in!

10. What word do you regularly use to sound smart? (Mine is 'calculator').

Calculator??? You have to try harder! I’m a neuropsychologist by trade, so I have lots of lovely impressive-sounding phrases at my disposal. Semantic paraphasia is one. Supratentorial lesion is another. Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome also sounds great, even though all it means is that you’re a pisshead.

One day, someone is going to invoice me for wasting their time with this.

Me. Ridiculous.

2011-11-22T12:09:00.000+10:00

So, I think I'm growing up.

No longer do I see it right to poke fun at celebrities and the like on Twitter, or on my blog.

It's also easy humour, and really, it's pretty gutless, and by definition; bullying.

Plus, why should I look elsewhere, when there's so much stuff (material) in my own backyard.

For example, did you know that:

- I used to rant about others being monosyballic. Yes. Syballic.

- I gag like a cat with a hair ball upon accidentally eating a vegetable.

- Each of my fingers look like I've murdered several people and sewed their fingers onto my hands - they are that inconsistent.

- When I carry children down the stairs I always imagine accidentally dropping them and their skull breaking, and spilling open on the tiles and in front of everyone. (Hope The Secret isn't true.)

- My posture is brought to you today, and every day, by the letter 'upside-down U'.

So, YOUR turn. Let's poke fun at ourselves. What makes YOU ridiculous?

I say this/But this is what i mean

2011-10-20T10:41:00.001+10:00

I have no balls. I'm weak.

So, here's a translation tool for talking to me.

You'll note just how passive aggressive I am, and, that's it's very attractive.

Oh, you like Two and a Half Men? Yeah I guess it's good thing to watch if you want to just chill out of an evening / So I don't think we can be friends hey.
No, I'm not really a phone talker / I'm not going to answer the phone when you call.
Yes no worries, I'll be able to find the address / Oh poo.
No, I'm not the biggest fan of vegetables / I will vomit on my plate if you make me eat them.
Absolutely - let's spend the day looking at bridal magazines / I'd prefer to papercut my throat.

What are you weak about?

I'm a Specialist.

2011-10-13T14:13:00.000+10:00

So, did you know that I have a psychology degree?

No?

Don't worry. I understand.

It's because I specialise in so many other areas, right?

For example, you would have noticed that I'm a specialist in:

"You had to be there" stories
Wearing the wrong underwear for my outfit
Not-giving-a-shit-make-up
Not being able to remember words like 'and' and 'but', post 3pm
Choosing to find my keys in my handbag after applying nail polish
Posing awkwardly in all photos not taken by me. Any photo that you see displayed is usually taken by me, and generally #372 of 372 photos
Consuming the wrong combinations of food/drink. E.g A piece of steak, a long, tall glass of milk, followed shortly thereafter by orange juice! Yes!
Losing my footing mid-way through my always ultra-cool dance moves.

This is me being a specialist.

How about you? What do you specialise in?

NO THANK YOU.

2011-10-03T18:50:00.001+10:00

FACT: I haven't blogged for ages, and as such, I'm losing my mind.

So here we go.

Here are some things that some people enjoy, that I never want to attend:

Amateur stand up comedy night. I would prefer to attempt to pierce my own throat, with the microphone itself. Thanks though.

Theatre sports.

Poetry readings.

Ballet. I know it's one of those things that you just HAVE to experience. But... NO THANKS!

A friend's or my own child's birth. I don't care if it's "natural". Please be quiet. I will find my child in the cabbage patch one morning. That's how it works.

WTF. THIS IS DISGUSTING.

What do you never want to attend?

Me Being Stupid. Surprise!

2011-09-23T09:48:00.000+10:00

I am WONDERFUL at jumping to the worst possible conclusion of any situation.

In fact, it's how I keep myself fit.

Some of my all-time favourites are:

1. Diagnosing myself with bone cancer after getting leg cramps; gained from having my car seat too close to the brake pedal.

2. Stepping on prickles in the park and believing I've stepped on a syringe that's definitely given me AIDS.

3. Sending text messages that haven't included my usual number of 'kisses' and believing that because I've not yet received a reply back from my gf, she's defs shitty with me due to the said lack of 'kisses'.

Aside from these minor catastrophic tendencies, I really am quite normal.

*Cough*

What stupid conclusions do you jump to?

Hmmm. Why?

2011-09-20T11:14:00.000+10:00

Things I will never understand:

1. Medieval festivals. Participation ensures lifelong virginity.

2. Glamour photography, especially family photo glamour photography. You know - white shirts, denim jeans. NOT GLAMOUROUS... INSTEAD; UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ALL WITNESSES.

3. The guy who does the Bodytrim infomercials. He looks like he belongs on Fast Forward. Is he for real? Does anyone really know?

4. AND THIS.....

SCROLL DOWN.

THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE WAITING.

NEARLY THERE.

YES. GROSS.

What things will you never understand?

I'm Definitely Not Adopted. Here's Why:

2011-09-14T15:31:00.000+10:00

Speaking honestly, I've had a pretty interesting couple of weeks, family-wise.

Without going in to too much detail, there have been some disappointments, and I've opted to express these attractively by looking like I've eaten a lemon. And, complaining a lot. (Thank you patient recipient of both).

At the end of the day however I love my family. Not only just because it's an unconditional thing, but because after a lot of reflection, I know that we naturally share a number of ridiculous traits, and it's good to feel like you're part of a team. Even if the team is a little bit 'different/special'.

So.

I know I'm part of Team McGuire, because:

1. I can't sing. We all have terrible, revolting voices. I do not know how we manage to be AS BAD as we are, but we achieve the audible equivalent of a fiery hell at birthdays.

2. I have little care for material things. Consequently, I/we do not take care of things well; don't lend me your CDs; I once used bf's book as a coaster.

3. I want things done quickly, usually at risk of them being done incorrectly. Thus the majority of our home repairs are temporary.

4. I will do anything for dogs. Regardless of how unreasonable, or costly it is. Similarly, my aunt has a rescue dog that defines 'unique'.

5. I've such a penchant for sugar I will lick it off a razor blade, blindfolded. Not surprisingly, we're not known for our Gisele Bundchen build.

Now...what are your interesting family traits?

I'm Pretty Tough.

2011-09-07T14:04:00.000+10:00

I am very protective of my friends and family.

My brother is too.

'Loyal as dogs' is an apt description.

So, when informed that someone has upset either of the two, and, I'm soon to meet that someone, I like to* use this line on introduction:

"Oh hello HORRIBLE SOMEONE'S NAME, I've heard so many interesting things about you."

Coupled with a nice smile.

And then let them just sit with that mindfuck, without offering explanation or expanding.

*And by 'like to', I mean 'never', because I've absolutely no balls.

I can offer pretty evil glares though.

What's a clever line you have 'waiting in the wings'?

That's not to say mine is clever.

Because it's not at all really.

FACEBOOK AND ‘FRIENDING’ FAMILY MEMBERS.

2011-09-05T13:27:00.000+10:00

Let’s talk Facebook. Let me start by saying I love Mark Zuckerberg for creating it. Facebook brings people together; makes high school reunions completely redundant (fist pump in the air), and, offers challenging and highly intellectual games like ‘Animal Farm’. Let me then say however that I equally dislike Mark Zuckerberg for allowing one the ability to add family members to their Facebook. There should be an outright ban on this as far as I’m concerned. Or at least a BOLD, RED WARNING saying: “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO ADD SOMEONE YOU’RE RELATED TO?” when you accept or send a friend request to a family member. And here’s why...

I know someone who trembles with fear and is wrought with anxiety each time she logs on to this massive but incredibly fun social media timewaster. Why? Well, because one of her family members regularly posts photos of themselves in bikinis, in attempts to be recognised as a model (she’s hoping for Zoo Magazine by the looks of things). Cringe worthy, car crash, don’t-want-to-look-but-can’t-help-it photos. Also, because another young family member regularly joins Facebook groups such as ‘Running away from Taxi drivers so you don’t have to pay’; ‘F*ck Off If You Don’t Like Swearing’ and ‘Your an idiot if you can’t spell’ (yes, seriously). And, because ANOTHER underage family member regularly tags photos of herself at niteclubs, in which she’s skanked up, and drunk off her push-up-bra’d-and-always-semi-exposed tits.

Let me clarify all of this by saying that my friend’s family is not from the wrong side of the tracks. Her family is middle-class, with highly educated kids, who say please and thank you, and can eat with knives and forks. But, that’s the thing about Facebook – you can see how your family behaves outside of family get-togethers. When the birthday candles have been blown out. When the reindeer ears have been taken off. On Facebook; you see people for who they really are, or, at least for whom they’re keen to present themselves to be (thank you photoshop).

Yes, my friend knows about the option to ‘hide all updates’ and their photos from coming through. And of course she’s aware that she can actually delete her family members, or, just refuse to add them in the first place. But her argument, despite the anxiety it causes her is “Where’s the fun in that?”...

And actually, yes, scrap my opening paragraph, I tend to agree (it gives us so much material to gossip about).

Unless of course my father decides to post modelling photos on Facebook.

Probably inappropriate, but fun.

2011-09-01T10:46:00.000+10:00

I pride myself on being a pretty polite and socially adept person.

For example, I'll call you a wanker to your face.

I'm pretty kind like that.

In all seriousness though, the one time I forget my manners is when I spot a dog.

You can be telling me about the most important thing IN THE WORLD - i.e. "We are going to be bombed tomorrow - best to evacuate now" and if I see a dog in my peripheral, you're dead to me.

Sorry, but it's true.

It's so true in fact, that I suspect I've been labelled the 'dog-harasser' around inner city Brisbane.

Notably, I've harassed Josh Thomas' brother's dog. So, I'm famous. I actually ran up to the set of traffic lights the dog was sitting at, from about 150 metres away, sensibly, to pat it.

Both the dog and Josh Thomas' brother looked at me with pity.

I've also been caught singing songs to random dogs, by their owners. This is always met by a look of concern, followed by a hasty picking up of the leash and a walk off, and possibly mouthing 'lunatic'.

A dog's typical reaction to my singing.

I suspect I inherited the "harass living things that aren't yours" genes from my Nanna. She asks to hold strangers' babies in shopping centres. Really.

Do you go batshit crazy for dogs too?

BIRTHDAY. DOLPHINS. STUPID FEARS! YES!

2011-08-29T15:40:00.000+10:00

Me surveying area for sharks, and, randy dolphins.
Photo by Lovaaaaah.

On Saturday I swam with the dolphins at Sea World.

It was a birthday gift from Lovaaaaah (pronounced exactly as it reads; an unusual name i know, possibly Latvian) and, it was AMAZEBALLS.

It's one of those gifts I will remember forever, unlike pretty much everything physical I'm ever given, which eventually gets thrown in the bin, or, put on the pathway for homeless people (or those aggressive scavengers who turn up to garage sales at 4am) because I hate packing when moving house, and/or having too many things.

In the lead up to the swim however, I was a little bit nervous.

Nervous because:

a) The amount of times I've watched JAWS. ALL of them. As a young child. Yes, including the SEA WORLD one. The SEA WORLD ONE. WHERE WAS THE PARENTAL SUPERVISION MUM AND DAD?

b) My mum told me that someone once put a shark in their enemy's swimming pool and that the person swum one lap and got out JUST IN TIME after noticing a shadow (I searched for that story on Google, and couldn't find it [I did find a CSI storyline on it though], so, I assume it was just some crap Mum told me to try and scare me in to being a nice person...BUT it still sticks with me).

c) The fact that dolphins have sex for pleasure. Did you know that? Thus, I was a little nervous that I would be humped by a dolphin (before getting eaten by JAWS/a shark with another name). It happens. Seriously. Look at this.

Turns out i had nothing to worry about.

JAWS was not at Sea World; I did not have an enemy who found out I was going to Sea World and subsequently had put a shark in with the dolphins, and, a dolphin did not try and make love to me.

I even had the dorsal fin come DIRECTLY at me and I did not scream!

Seriously though, it was AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. No words are adequate.

BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!

Enough of me though.

Please make me feel less insane.

What is YOUR ridiculous fear?

PS. Lovaaaaah blogged about our overall Sea World experience here. It is much funnier than this post, which we all know would not be hard to achieve, but really, he is SUPER funny.

Rebecca vs Commercial Radio

2011-08-26T08:13:00.001+10:00

I haven't been listening to commercial radio for some time now.

As a result:

I've stopped calling my friends bitches and hos.

I haven't been wondering whether the singer is a woman, or, at what age he was castrated.

I haven't been wondering whether the token bogan female announcer always speaks like that.

I haven't listened to an intellectual debate in a while, such as whether you de-poo prawns or not.

I haven't been wondering whether they've just played the same song 15 times in a row.

I've been less concerned about fixing my premature ejaculation problem.

(The latter is clearly a joke. I'm still concerned.)

Another Unendearing Thing About Me.

2011-08-23T16:24:00.000+10:00

If you know me, you'll know I come with an extensive list of completely uncharming traits.

I've already mentioned this one (#683) before, but I feel compelled to mention it again, after having my food STOLEN today.

'Stolen' as in the thief politely asked - and I politely gave. And this is my passive aggressive response, as is usual.

I HATE sharing food.

As in banquets style, as in desserts, as in drinks, as in ANYTHING.

I ordered my food, because it's what I wanted. I didn't want YOUR FOOD. I don't want yours. I want mine. I want all of it, because I consider ALL OF IT to be delicious.

I blame this particular element of my overall unpleasantness on growing up with males.

E.g. My father's version of sharing is using his claw-like hand and picking up 98% of what's on my plate, whilst I STARVE.

LITERALLY. STARVE.

So, please don't ask me to share with you*. It's like I'm Pavlov's dog but without the salivation and bell part. I've been conditioned to think I'm going to DIE if I share. Not really, I've a penchant for exaggeration.

*Unless you're someone I pash, then it's fine, because you're totally cute.

So, make me feel less shit. What's an unendearing thing about you?

Things I CANNOT Do:

2011-08-19T14:44:00.000+10:00

1. Whistle by exhaling. Yes.

2. Maths in front of others. Don't you worry, I can completely dominate 4th year Uni multivariate statistics, but cannot add correctly in front of others. It's the pressure.

3. Eat delicately in front of others. Again, the pressure of spilling results in spilling.

4. Select the correct light switch, despite living ANYWHERE for ANY. PERIOD. OF. TIME.

5. Speak articulately in front of those who intimidate me. Usually this results in me sounding like I'm having a stroke.

What can't you do?

HIIIIIIII SAM RYAN (I like capitals at the moment).

2011-08-18T16:25:00.000+10:00

This is Sam. She is quirky. She likes good music. She is my people. We talk on Twitter a lot. Basically we stroke each other's egos by laughing at each other's jokes. Self-esteem is important.

This is her bio:

"37 year old Sydneysider. Personal Assistant / Bookkeeper / Fixer-of-Everyone’s-Shit by day, Professional Idiot by other days. Artist, scarf builder, writer of the smash hit* blogs http://bumbagsandbowlerhats.tumblr.com/ and http://sometimesomedaysomeone.tumblr.com/ On secret mission to singlehandedly bring back bumbags and, somewhat unsurprisingly, bowler hats. Enjoys Oxford commas and stalking bearded men. Has never been compared to a summer's day. Has been compared to excitable puppy."

These are my questions, and her much funnier answers:

What do you think of idiots who don’t like dogs?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY PROBABLY DON’T EVEN THINK UNICORNS EXIST AND LOOK NOW THEY’VE GONE AND MADE ME ALL SHOUTY AND IT’S MY FIRST QUESTION AND I’M ALL UPSET. GEEZ.

What song do you lose all sense of restraint to?

Let me just preface the answer by saying that restraint has never been a strong trait in my personality. I’m the poor deluded dancing person you see at gigs or festivals or vegetable aisles. The one with no rhythm or ability to land on both feet simultaneously. I'm the person that claps while wearing headphones. I've never done karaoke though, actually I WILL never do karaoke because, shit, I've heard my voice in the car and it's like angry cats. So, in summation, hang on, what was the question? You’re going to edit this right? The bits where I just go off on tangents. Like this bit, you’re going to delete this right? Right?? Well this is awkward ... So in summation, still, again, any song with cowbell, hand claps, floor tom, yelly hey-hey bits or beards. Or Vampire Weekend’s A Punk.

What is your favourite thing to be judgemental about?

People who can’t dance at festivals. No wait, people who don’t like puppies. People who write u instead of you? People who finish a sentence with LMAO even though the sentence is about as funny as that time I lent over the desk and hit my head on the receipts spike. People who are too judgmental? No wait, people who can’t make decisions. Yeah, the last one.

How close can you get to matching Mariah Carey’s vocal range?

Hang on. I’m just going to try it ….NO. But apparently I just made some dogs and a one automatic garage door very, very angry. LMAO

What’s a totally shit movie, that you can't help loving anyways?

There are no shit movies there are only … actually no, Day After Tomorrow is diabolically shit. Shit x 1000. I’ve probably seen it 20 times but I still can’t remember the ending. Do they all move to Mexico and shoot the aliens with a computer virus or something?

Dolly Parton – best woman ever?

She’s a magnificent minx by which all other minxes should be measured.

What’s your favourite way of letting everyone know you’re in a bad mood?

When I was little I used to leave notes like “Dear Mum, I’m really angry at you and I’m NOT going to look for my school diary.” By little I mean last month. And by notes I mean Twitter.

Do you love playing Hungry Hungry Hippos as much as I do?

I find the word hippo to be extremely inflammatory and I wish you’d stop calling me that. I was really bloody hungry that day and that's why I ate the two burgers, fries and icecream so … oh it’s a game. Right. Yes it’s excellent. As you were.

Isn’t Under the Sea in The Little Mermaid THE BEST?

Have you ever sat on the bottom of a pool and sung that? It’s really fun. You haven’t? So what, I’m like the only person who sits on the bottom of a pool and sings??

Why hasn’t Pauly Shore aged?

He wheezed the juice. Also, Encino Man is pretty much the best movie ever. Also, I should’ve answered Encino Man to that other question you asked about movies. I should learn to read things better hey? And write gooder too. You’re going to edit this right?

EVERYONE PLEASE LOVE SAM. SHE WANTS TO BRING BACK THE BUMBAG. THERE IS NO GREATER CAUSE THAN THAT AT THE MOMENT. IT FEATURES ON Q&A NEXT WEEK.

I Will Like You If:

2011-08-16T09:20:00.000+10:00

Because I'm really ~~delusional/a loser~~ popular/famous I'm forced to employ very stringent 'friend qualifiers' to ensure I don't waste time with people who aren't 'my people'.

So, here they are.

I will automatically like you if:

1. You use words like 'blast', 'duffer', and 'wretch'.

2. You can sing all of the words to "Everybody Wants Something" by Degrassi's The Zit Remedy.

3. Similarly, you enjoy singing the theme song to Baywatch. And do so with a fake microphone and an impassioned David Hasselhoff look on your face. Kneeling and fist pumping is obviously really great too.

You're welcome.

4. You like the name 'Terrence'. Well, not really 'like', but it makes you laugh when you say it.

5. Your name is Joyce, Peggy, Frank, Percy, or Barry; you have a purple rinse, or you wear your socks pulled up. So basically anyone old.

What are your friend qualifiers?

Perspective. Thank you kindly.

2011-08-05T08:09:00.000+10:00

This morning i got up and looked at my face.

Winter doesn't really like me.

Or perhaps it considers the dry skin it places all over my head a gift.

Anyways, on my way to work today, i had my 'woe is me face' on, in addition to the leprosy looking one.

Walking up the hill, "Woe is me" "Woe is me" was the rhythm of my stride.

Then i saw a man with one leg, and a bare foot, hobbling around on crutches.

Sometimes i am super lame.

Weetbix with three tablespoons of perspective please.

Criminal, turned good.

2011-08-01T08:28:00.000+10:00

So, this morning I was a thief.

I stole a bottle of coke zero from my local shop.

I did it without realising, having placed the bottle in my handbag, and only remembering to scan the items I was carrying in my hands.

I got into my car, and felt that my grocery bag was light. The coke zero was still in my handbag.

I rushed out of the car, ran up to the shops, fearing that policemen would soon capsicum spray me, and the C.O.P.S "bad boys" theme music would start playing, given my criminality, but this didn't eventuate.

The riot squad was not in attendance.

I told the lady at the self-checkout what I had done, and that I was there to pay for my coke zero.

Her reply: "Oh you're so sweet. We have thousands of dollars of stock go missing from here every day, because if people want to steal things, they can, as we're not allowed to challenge them."

Hmmm. Probably not the smartest thing to be telling customers.

Amy Winehouse.

2011-07-25T09:31:00.001+10:00

So, a lot has been said about Amy Winehouse.

My position is one of sympathy, as drug addiction suggests 'not coping', or, perhaps not having enough wonderful things in one's life that drugs ARE the most amazing thing. Either way, there's a 'lacking' of something.

A death, regardless of its cause, is a sad one.

I wonder, whether people offering the aggressive "she deserved it" sentiment, react the same way when a friend or family member - a smoker - dies of lung cancer?

Having lost my mum to breast cancer, I certainly don't understand why people smoke, and think it's quite silly, and selfish, but I don't see it right to be unsympathetic to a death, from any cause...

A Letter To My Future Self.

2011-07-21T09:16:00.004+10:00

Many have been writing letters to their former selves lately.

I love reading those letters.

Because I'm on the bandwagon quite late, I thought I'd do the opposite.

So, here's a letter to my future self. Note: I'm just so creative.

****

Dear Rebecca

I hope you're healthy, and kicking along nicely, with a strong, close, and loving family in tow.

I hope you and your husband meet up with your children, at least once a week for a family BBQ or the like, where you all share stupid jokes and lovingly tease one another. I hope they have as dumb as a sense of humour as you.

I hope you're looking after your father, to the best of your ability. You should visit him at least once every week. As much as he enjoys his own company, people need people. (He should also be a staple at your family BBQs; his 'Dad jokes', although lame, are still funny.)

I hope you own a dog - actually, many rescue dogs - and I hope they're amazing as Molly was, although that would be difficult. She was amazing.

I hope you did all the travel you wanted to, before you settled down. And I hope you're still holidaying overseas at least once each year. You must keep learning. You must keep exploring.

I hope you're still playing netball, with as much vigour as you had in your youth. It's important to keep exercising. Genes, Rebecca, genes.

I hope by now you've built up some confidence in your writing. People wouldn't pay you if you weren't half okay. Stop doubting yourself. It's annoying.

I hope your posture is alright, given it was super crap in your youth. I hope you're not all bent over like the little old lady you used to see on Brunswick Street.

I hope you're dying your hair, and keeping yourself as pretty as you can. Remember; Audrey Hepburn. She was mofo hot. Channel her.

I hope you're using every second wisely - Dad said "You don't have to be dead to be dead." That saying better still be at the forefront of your mind.

Most of all, I just want you to be, and hope that you are, happy, and loving, and loveable.

Never stop kissing.

Your younger self

Rebecca

PS. So, I also hope you're a cool old person. This old man isn't really cool, but this used to make you laugh, ALWAYS. Remember? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiOH6EcvW0c&feature=related

Please Don't.

2011-07-19T08:37:00.002+10:00

There are some things you just shouldn't mess with.

For example, the following hurts my heart:

1. Betty White saying the C-word in the horrendous Lake Placid. No. (It's Betty White Week BTW. Not really).

2. Benita from Playschool as a pervert in Sleeping Beauty. Please stop.

(Yaaaaaaaay Benita!)

3. Noni from Playschool dropping the f-bomb over story time. Again, no.

4. Hobie from Baywatch and Sgt Frank Gilroy from A Country Practice in erectile dysfunction advertisements. Um...really? Are you that short on cash?

5. Heather Jelly from SeaChange promoting Coke as a great afternoon snack for children. NO NO NO NO NO.

What other things shouldn't you mess with?

Things You Should Love, Otherwise You Are Weird.

2011-07-18T10:01:00.000+10:00

1. Betty White. She is everyone's (and I mean EVERYONE IN THE WORLD'S) grandma. Fact.

2. A sausage sizzle. As I get older my palate is becoming slightly more discerning. But I'll never say no to a sausage on white bread, with tomato sauce, and onion.

3. Use of the word 'mofo'. No explanation required.

4. Perfect Strangers*

*I haven't watched this show in about 20 years. I thought it was hilarious back then, please don't ruin it for me if it's actually shit.

5. This cover of Outkast's Hey Ya. Second is Sarah Blasko's.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ejeEBlDESc

What are your 'things you should love?'

Dear Weather Gods

2011-07-15T08:36:00.000+10:00

I live in Brisbane, which is markedly different to Melbourne, however as per your offering of fucking freezing temperatures this last month, you seem to be confused.

(Currently negative one million degrees Celsius)

Here are the differences, dear weather, to prevent any future confusion. You're welcome.

Melbourne offers amazing and varied live music experiences. Brisbane offers Mark Seymour at the Tempo. Throw Your Arms Around Me. 1984. *Cough*

Melbourne offers rich, cultural experiences, sometimes featuring the human form in their high-class-pin-drop-quiet art galleries. Brisbane offers a somewhat similar show of human form - exposed, sunset-tanned vaginas - every Saturday night on Ann St.

Melbourne offers an exquisite and wonderfully large range of dining opportunities. Brisbane has about 5 restaurants that are awesome, however best you turn up at 4.30pm for dinner, to ensure the kitchen hasn't closed yet.

That said, I do love Brisbane.

Please just turn the heating up a little. Thank you.

What I Got Up to Last Night...

2011-07-14T08:13:00.001+10:00

So, last night I was hit in the face with a pair of fifty year old breasts. No I did not seek this out.

Rather, I was playing netball against a team of clinically insane menopausal women.

For forty minutes they took all of their problems out on our youth.

We paid for their hot flushes; their husbands never taking the rubbish out; their children having smart mouths; their husbands always watching sport; their own unrealised dreams.

It was fight club with taped nails.

We were even given two goal penalties because they were that mofo crazy. Yes.

The lesson of the story...don't ever underestimate a team of 50 year old netballers. They will not be mumsy. They will not take it easy on you. Instead, they will channel all of their life's miseries into forty minutes and a onesie. Fun times.

Don Burke. Yes. Really.

2011-07-13T11:00:00.000+10:00

So. Don Burke said something quite lovely yesterday.

(No, Burke's Backyard is not coming back. Sorry. You'll have to continue filling that Friday night void with other things. Shit. I know.)

...

Yesterday morning he was interviewed by Tom and Alex on Triple J, following his appearance on Can of Worms.

Don, before starting the interview, paid Tom a number of compliments, rationalising "I'm a big fan of telling people what I truly feel about them before their funeral."

Goodness. We should all really do that.

Why save the good stuff for when someone goes?

Text it/email it if it makes you feel uncomfortable saying it face to face. Use social media for something other than a place to post highly photo-shopped photos of yourself*.

Get your feelings out there.

Make your loved ones feel loved, and the liked feel liked.

*May or may not be something I do. Regularly.

What I Know For Sure...

2011-07-11T09:32:00.001+10:00

Best to take more notice of the second impression than the first. People are often nervous/shy etc first time around. Cut them some slack.

There is nothing better than a hug from your lover.

Very rarely do you actually need dessert, but, you'll rarely regret ordering it.

There's always something better to do than watch television.

Above does not apply to music. Listen to it. At every opportunity. Regardless of how bad it might be. Though, try and get into the good stuff.

Dogs always give far more than they cost.

Surround yourself with good people. You'll catch it too.

What do you know for sure?

So, I've My 'Serious Hat' On. (Yes, It's A Bit Uncomfortable)

2011-07-08T10:03:00.000+10:00

If you know me in person, you'll know that I spend a great deal of time inside my head.

My father calls it 'analysis paralysis'. I call it 'being Rebecca'. And I enjoy it. Perhaps because I'm very self-absorbed.

My latest rumination concerns that Sliding Doors film, and more specifically; its premise that one decision/moment could have taken you down a completely different road to where you are now.

(For the men.)

Some of my Sliding Doors moments include:

A number of months ago, I could have entered into a relationship with a guy friend, but chose not to. And now, I'm with someone exceptional. Actually, 'exceptional' doesn't come close.

A number of years ago, I could have missed out on bonding with an ultra-beautiful bestie, had we not attended the same 'interesting' party and got talking together, like crazy, possessed women. We've not taken a breath since.

A decade plus ago, I lost my mum to breast cancer. If I didn't lose her, I'd probably be less close with my gfs; I'd not have a raw hole in my heart; and I'd probably enjoy cooking (I hate it, having had to cook as teenager after she died). I'd also probably be even more of an anxious person than I am now, given that she was ridiculously nervous and anxious too.

The more I think, the more paralysed I become. ‘What ifs’ really can do one’s head in.

Ultimately though, what I truly believe in is things will always work out the way they’re supposed to. And, sometimes the 'supposed to' bit sucks. E.g. I still haven't figured out the 'supposed to' bit re my mum dying. We are all far more loving/family-oriented now than we were before her death, but that's not enough of a reason for her not being here.

But sometimes you just have to trust. So I do.

So, what are some of your Sliding Doors moments?

De-friend Me Please.

2011-07-07T11:38:00.002+10:00

Please de-friend me through all mediums (and kick dirt at me on the street) if I:

put a photo of me in a bikini as my profile pic on Facebook. After you've finished disinfecting your eyes.
do any stupid 'Myspace poses'. You know - breastage, lips, looking 'up' into the camera. (I am open to debate whether my current profile pic is this. I don't believe there is enough breast in the photo to qualify).
get married and post a million photos of all-but-the-same wedding photos. Sorry, I'm happy for you, but really, enough.
post a status update relating to a trip to the Doctor. Seriously. Gross.
claim that I'm drunk over Facebook or Twitter by writing things like "ahoeiaet I'm so drunk adfadd."

I hope you're not too overwhelmed by my pleasantness this morning.

My Housemate Is Better Than Yours.

2011-07-06T08:27:00.000+10:00

So, I've previously written about how awesome my housemate is here.

She's continued to prove her awesomeness, with her most recent effort being just 15 minutes ago.

Today I asked her to look at my bum region to report whether she could see my underwear through my dress.

She couldn't, FYI, but she looked for me.

And it's not an attractive vision. Not an 8th wonder of the world.

I appreciated her sacrifice.

Thus, I will be purchasing her a new set of eyes this evening.

Running FACTS.

2011-07-04T22:00:00.000+10:00

So, I just got back from a run.

(Me. )

It's been a while.

I feel awesome, and actually very enlightened.

Thus, some running FACTS for you:

1. If you are a woman, take me running with you. I don't have an attractive running face. I'm your best defence against the untoward.

2. That said, people on rollerblades always, and will always, look worse.

3. Those learning to rollerblade look even more stupid. It's the equivalent of taking up smoking at 27. Not cool. Will never be cool again. Take the elbow pads off.

4. It's a good idea to invest in comfortable running clothes. You'll learn this lesson very quickly.

5. There are few things better than a runner's high, with the exception of hot chips. I.e. the cause of running. Yes, that's correct. The circle of life.

There is a smile on my face. Odd, I know.

2011-07-04T10:24:00.000+10:00

I am in a delicious and pleasant mood. And it's Monday. (I.e. I might be ill.)

Happiness:

A laugh that hurts my stomach from longevity.
My dog's sought cuddle.
Rich winter food.
Music induced goose-bumps.
A mid-sleep, cheekbone kiss.

What's your happiness?

Winning Me Over.

2011-06-29T06:28:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I was told that I look 10 years younger than my age. From that moment on, that person could.do.no.wrong.

If you are looking to get on my good side (which, really, is no different to my bad side, given my doormat-esque state of being), here are some things you may wish to do:

Compliment me on how well behaved my (~~socially retarded)~~ dog is.
Laugh at all my jokes. Or at least fake laugh. I'll always appreciate tone, over silence.
Tell me that I definitely have my Mum's 'tall and slim' genes...
Agree with me that green vegetables are poisonous.
Join me in stabbing myself in the eyes, than watch cricket.

Do any of the above, and consider perfuming yourself with Milo, and we'll be besties for life.

What wins you over?

More Than Love.

2011-06-28T09:00:00.000+10:00

Last night boyfriend and I had a night apart, as let's face it, there's only so much of ~~my mind-numbing conversation~~ hilarious jokes one can take. And I'm quite glad we did. As thanks to Australian Story my face was in a permanent state of 'the ugly cry'.

Sally Neilsen is an old family friend. Our families used to go camping together (during which my parents would wear matching Where's Wally-esque red and white striped shirts), having originally bonded over club netball games. Last night Sal was featured on Australian Story, along with her fiancée Sam Goddard. I had heard bits and pieces of their overwhelmingly challenging plight through the grapevine, and through her Facebook updates, but was devastated last night when I got the full story on what they've been through...

On Valentine's Day 2010 Sam suffered a severe stroke, which left him trapped inside his body. Sally is still beside him, and then some, explaining "That's my person." I'm crying, times a thousand, whenever I think about that/watch her say it. Most promisingly however; Sally gets her Sam back for one hour each day, thanks to the curious side effects of the sleeping pill, Stilnox. He talks like himself for that hour. For the remaining 23 however, Sam can barely speak, or move. And Sally, at age 25 is still there, and I believe, always will be.

Go here to watch their story. And get a towel out to bawl into. You'll need it.

**

Last week I was asked what I feel the difference is between being in love, and just loving someone. I responded that being in love is when you subconsciously feel the other person's needs, goals, and interests as being as important and oftentimes more important than your own (in addition to your heart skipping a beat when you see them, and all that other lovely warm stuff).

Sally has more than love for Sam.

And, if, at the end of my days, I'm seen as being half as loving a person as she is, I'll be very content.

Interview with a Writer, Hipster, Beanie-Hater.

2011-06-27T09:55:00.002+10:00

So, this is Matt Granfield.

Such an overachiever that he makes Lance Armstrong look very lazy and fat (not really, but I think that was a good analogy for emphasis). He is a writer (see The Drum for his most recent piece), and frequently writes stomach-hurting posts like this on his blog.

Perhaps most exciting (for the moment); his book on his journey about becoming the ultimate hipster, HipsterMattic, is coming out on October 31. And it is brilliant. And brings the lulz, times a thousand.

He's also quite hot.

I sat down with him, and ~~after pashing on for a bit~~ asked him these questions. (Note: Whilst he is funnier and a far better writer, I always beat him, and significantly so, at volume of pointless conversation topics).

Please tell us more about HipsterMattic:
I decide that I need to figure out who I 'am' so rather than trying to find myself I decide to be someone else and embark on a quest to become the ultimate hipster. I end up getting tattooed, travelling to the National Bike Courier Bike Polo Championships, learning the art of digital SLR photography, getting drunk, knitting and abusing deaf people in a bar. It's a charming love story of an Ivory Coast refugee's survival against all odds and her subsequent achievements at the very top of corporate America. I think Oprah is going to like it.

Are you for or against pom poms on beanies? Please put forward your argument.
I'm against beanies full stop. They are for people who fish tuna for a living in the North Sea. And whalers. But I'm against whaling too. Unless it's for science. In which case, gosh darn, that's just fine. I can't believe people get so up Japan about it. If it weren't for Japanese scientific whale research the Southern Right Whale would probably be extinct by now. I love science. Now, talk to me about pom poms on cheerleaders.

This is your opportunity to recite a John Laws poem. I understand you’re his biggest fan…
I recite from John Laws, Results of Love 1972:

I look at the slow motion hair
on a young head
and recall a love more years ago
than vanity will let me say.
I loved that heir
for days and days and days
and then she went away
To marry and be proper
placing me neatly
into the shame corner
of her heart

You can really feel his pain there can't you. I am concerned about how much he was loving that hair though. It's getting a little Something About Mary there. Fact: This John Laws poem may or may not have inspired the Wendy Matthews song 'The Day You Went Away".

Do you get a little bit nervous when cuddling koalas, because their claws are sharp?
I get nervous because Koalas are always drunk and they don't drink any water, ever, which means they would have killer hangovers. I find the best way to avoid a killer hangover is to drink a bottle of Gatorade before bed, so whenever I know I'm going to be seeing a koala, I give it a bottle of Gatorade the night before.

What tactics would you employ to win the Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling competition?
I'd employ Sir Isaac Newton as my gravitation consultant, John Candy as my cheese-chooser and the original cast from Cool Runnings to push my cheese. I would call us 'Team Candy' so confuse people who thought we were ring-ins from out of town and thought we were there for a lolly contest. Suckers. Also, I would choose a firm round cheese. Have you ever tried rolling a wedge of triple cream brie? If not, please don't. It usually just ends up looking like a John Laws poem.

What is your least favourite utensil?
I'm going to go check the second draw in my kitchen. Whichever utensil is furthest towards the back will, according to science, be my least favourite.

*brb*

...

OK. WTF is this?

Why do people not spit at you on the street?
Because I chew tobaccy and they know I'll spit back at them and stain their clothes.

B52s' Rock Lobster comes on the radio. How do you react?
I react by first asking nobody in particular why ABC News Radio is playing Rock Lobster, and then I presume it is because a famous rock lobster has died after getting himself into a bit of hot water. Then I dance.

I heard you’ve a girlfriend. And that she’s anti-being-quiet. Comments?
I'm anti-listening so it works out.

What will your autobiography be called? (Don’t say ‘Matt Granfield’.)
It won't be an autobiography, it will be a bio-epic written by John Laws and adapted for the screen by Charlie Kauffman. It will be called Being Matt Granfield.

The Movie Show with Rebecca and David.

2011-06-24T13:53:00.000+10:00

(Me.)

Last night housemate and I went to the movies to see Bridesmaids. We were both keen for a mid week outing, an excuse to eat choc tops (movie food = no calories - didn't you know?) and a massive laugh. (BTW. How good is laughing? Yep. Very good.) Before I officially start my drivel, I should let you know that I'm not a very good feminist. At all. Don't tell Germaine...

So, I went into the movie wondering whether this supposedly very funny female-centred comedy was going to make me laugh, as traditionally, i don't find women very funny. I'm sorry but i don't, and those who i do, are generally quite masculine. Sorry Germaine. I also wear a bra.

Anyways, turns out that Bridemaids is totally fucking hilarious. Rose Byrne is particularly awesome, not just because i'd pash her if she offered, but because she can do comedy, times a thousand, so too the rest of the cast. Also, the ladies didn't even have to testicle-it-up with their delivery.

Nice work ladies. (Happy Germaine? I know you read this blog - I can tell from Google analytics).

So go see it. It will improve your life. Far more than a pash from George Clooney would - he's single now, single ladies. Dream big.

What did you think David?...

Joe Hildebrand. Funny.

2011-06-22T08:22:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I like to think i'm 'okay-funny'. Then i choose reality. Or I speak to people like Joe Hildebrand. According to Joe; he is a writer for The Daily Telegraph and The Punch; specialises in speaking on subjects he knows nothing about, and despite being a hugely skilled journalist and an online sensation, is still dogged by rumours that he rose to the top due to his good looks alone. I spoke with Joe and tackled the issues similar to those addressed by the Dalai Lama on his recent visit...

Joe Hildebrand, or, someone from Underbelly (slow walking, pensive, plotting stare)

What’s your favourite inappropriate topic to bring up at a dinner party?

Selective euthanasia. Usually for someone at the table.

Do you agree that chocolate freckles are the best thing in the world?
If the person suggesting it was larger than me I would definitely agree.

When did you stop believing (if you have in fact stopped) that “stepping on a crack will break your mother’s back”?

After I stepped on as many as I could and the damn old bird just wouldn’t lay down.

How do you cope with the misery that is Monday?

By hurting the people I love.

Do you sometimes wish for a pet dugong?
What do you mean “sometimes”?

What’s your favourite way to express a bad mood?

Through the power of dance.

What makes you a non-shit person?
That question assumes a lot.

What questionable celebrity will you always argue the merits of?

Larry Emdur and, as of last week, John Mangos.

Are you a good dancer? Please qualify your response.
I am an excellent dancer. I invented the Melbourne Shuffle.

What is your message to John Farnham?

Come home Daddy.

I am the Dog Whisperer.

2011-06-21T09:03:00.000+10:00

Translation: "Can you please just f-off?"

Another of My Failed Jokes.

2011-06-20T08:21:00.000+10:00

On the weekend bf and I went to Toowoomba to visit his family.

Bf got a headache (may or may not have been from my constant ~~talking~~ entertainment) so we stopped in at the local chemist.

He opted for some Panadeine, and after having to request it from the back shelf, provide all of his personal details, and then take it up to the front counter in a locked security case (yes, really), we lined up to pay.

Once at the counter i pulled out my joke.

Me: *Loud voice* So is that for your drug lab at home?

Girl at counter: *Blankface*

Bf: Pardon?

Success.

Body Experiments.

2011-06-17T09:23:00.000+10:00

As part of my commitment to LIVING LIFE TO THE MAX I regularly like to test my body's boundaries.

(Me.)

As such, I often:

Curl my feet over onto themselves to see how far I can go before giving myself a cramp
Bounce paper on the inside of my bottom lip to see how long it can remain before bleeding on removal
Compete in the Slippery Bath vs Rebecca championships
Measure how many days I can go without changing my contact lenses before infection
See how much heat my skin can take in the shower before a visit to the burns unit
Teeter between intense stretching and limb dislocation.

Do you do any of the same? Or are there any other body experiments I'm not yet competing in?

My Tribe

2011-06-16T10:59:00.000+10:00

So, a somewhat deep post today. Or, as much depth as I'm capable of.

As I've mentioned, one of the reasons why i girlcrush on Bec Sparrow is because of her book, Find Your Tribe (another is her first name; it's just so classy and lovely. a very easy and pedestrian joke, and, I took it).

Anyways, the phrase find your tribe resonates HEAPS and HEAPS with me, let alone the book...

***
In high school, I was one of the cool kids (I've the yearbook 'coolest brunette' title to prove it - UGGGGH yep.)

Being 'cool' didn't mean that i felt like i fitted in however.

Whilst I tried embarrassingly and pathetically hard to fit in (i.e. I threw out my Spice Girls CD, bought a stupid, ugly scorpion necklace that I rebelliously wore to school one day and was no sooner confiscated, got spew-drunk from rum at a party, etc.), there were few people i actually clicked with. This awkwardness continued on to my university days too.

These 'square peg' problems related to my personality, i.e. :

I'm a nervous person
I'm ridiculously sensitive and can't deal with loud, extroverted people
I'm not a girlie girl
I fucking hate nightclubs
I don't like to get blind, nor do I then like to spend the next 3 days telling everyone about it
I don't like to play sport in front of people I've just met (I'm actually reasonably coordinated and athletic when i'm not being lazy [note: rare], I just don't like the idea of falling/dropping a ball in front of strangers).

I totally get that the above combined makes me sound like a unpleasant, negative bitch, but I'm really not. I promise.

Within these last two-three years however (back to the book), I've found my tribe. And I'm so happy. It consists of intelligent, sensitive, kind people who get me.

They're not completely similar to me, but we're not worlds apart either. And by not worlds apart - they too don't enjoy talking about their bowel movements. Yes, at one stage, I was mixing with people who did. Fucking disgusting.

With them (tribe), I never sit there counting down the minutes until it's the time that it would be less rude to leave. I'm always trying to increase it.

With them, my eyes don't glaze over when they start talking about makeup and shoes. Because they don't.

With them, I don't sit there dumbstruck because they're so socially retarded and rude. They're not.

And as a result of finding them I'm actually smiling 99% of the time. Yes, smiling. (The remaining 1% is allocated to eating chocolate.)

Anyways, the whole point of this rambling post is to encourage you to find your tribe, if you haven't already.

Ditch the people you don't click with.

Seriously.

There are people out there like you. Even if you are strange and vitriolic, like me.

Find your tribe, your people, and you'll be a 10,000% happier. I promise.

God. I'm so saccharine at the moment. Vom.

In Love. Yes.

2011-06-15T09:36:00.000+10:00

So, my usual writing style involves 1/3 snark, 2/3 facetiousness. Today, no.

Today I'm going to be one of those people. Those people that write about how in love they are.

Sick, i know. I just vomited a little myself.

I'll do it differently though okay. So please keep reading.

Aside from the actual feeling of knowing you're in love (you just know), there have been some clear changes in my behaviour to indicate that i am there and the majority of them involve me actually behaving like a normal person. I know! It's been a bit of a shock for me too.

So, here they are.

How I know I'm in love:

I was presented with the excruciating choice of Weetbix, Milo, or him. I chose him.

Selflessly, I will not wake him up in the morning. In fact, i lie very still so as to not disturb him, despite having twelve million incredibly ~~pointless~~ interesting things to talk about.

Likewise, I actually stop talking when I'm given the "It's quiet time now Rebecca" gentle hint at night.

I frequently offer him my last piece of food. HUGE. As my usual eating style resembles that typically seen in wolf packs.

I have listened to jazz for him. SANS scowl and/or sulkface.

I try and eat every vegetable he plates up for me (not that difficult, given he is the.best.cook.in.the.world.full.stop.), with the exception of carrot (fuck off carrot, you and I will never be friends.)

I let him near my head with clippers.

I choose to spend more time with him than with my GHD. Yes, I now only check that my GHD is off 3 times, instead of 6. OCD = good times.

End of sop. You'll find your vom bags located underneath your seats.

Q&A. Take THAT Tony Jones.

2011-06-14T10:52:00.000+10:00

I love Emily Jade.

She is bold, herself, and the most vibrant thing since the sun. Seriously. Look at that face! Also, she hasn't yet marked my emails as 'junk', seemingly.

I sat down with her for my usual ~~drivel~~ Q&A session, which, I've heard, has Tony Jones shaking in his boots. Shaking. (If shaking were to mean 'has no idea nor care for'.)

And we begin...

Gwyneth Paltrow – for or against?
Totally for! I love her, I wish I was her, mainly because she gets to star on my favourite show GLEE! But I really don't get the people who hate her, I think it's more jealousy than hate because she is really quite perfect and even her imperfections are perfect, like she broke it off with Brad Pitt, not the other way round. Gotta love a girl with the guts to do that!

What’s a quality of yours that you hope your child fails to inherit?
I'm not sure about a quality, I'm pretty happy with my qualities, but I hope they don't get my nose or inherit my families metabolism. We look at a Tim Tam and put on 5kgs. My Husband and his family can eat the whole factory out of Tim Tams and still stay Kate Moss thin, so I'm praying my little shim has his nose and body type and my sparkling personality!

Do you have the patience to wait for Ice Magic to harden, or do you drink the syrup straight out of the bottle (i.e.like the rest of us)?
Would I be shot if I said I hate Ice Magic? There is something so not right in that bottle that makes it soft then hard, those chemicals do not need to taking over my body!!

Under what circumstance is Emily-Jade-Super-Fun-And-Vibrant, Emily-Jade-Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-My-Face?

Super Fun and Vibrant - when there is a camera around! As soon as I see any kind of camera I turn on the Kerri-Anne Kennerly's like no-bodies business. Get out of my Face- when someone is dissing a friend or my husband. Unfortunately however I am not some big tough mother f#@&#r; I just stop talking to you...FOREVER. Silence speaks louder than words ever will.

What’s your view on the day Tuesday?

It's closer to the weekend than Monday....

What’s a song you LOVE so much, that when the car windows are up, you will sing it, in your best voice possible?

Sweet Child of Mine by Guns and Roses. I sing it so well, or so I thought, until I got to interview Slash earlier in the year and tried to play it to him on a pink childrens guitar...suddenly all my awesomeness escaped me and lets just say Slash will always remember me, but not for singing like an angel.

What makes you a good friend?

To tell you the truth sometimes I wonder if I really am? Being my friend is hard work, everything you do around me could end up on the radio or in a blog. I am sometimes so busy I rarely see you and I can be really self focused. So I don't really know why I have friends at all to tell you the truth.

If you had to wear the same fancy dress costume for the rest of your life, who/what would you dress up as?

I would be a bride.... I love weddings, I love the romance, I love my husband, I would be the weird crazy old woman walking the streets in her tattered wedding gown calling out for her long lost husband, who obviously left because she was crazy. That could happen you know, I have made my husband marry me 3 times already, he was very good to play along, but he is retired now, which is why I became a celebrant.

Who is your ‘leave pass’ (i.e. a celebrity Gerard gives you permission to pash/romp with if they ever present themselves)?

Ha....line up boys. I have alot, problem is I have met a few just due to the nature of my job, so I am now banned from having a leave pass. Luckily that ban was instilled recently because Hubby sat next to his a few weeks ago at LAX, Scarlett Johansson and she asked him to move his bag...which was quite obviously an invitation to have sex with her. Well so Hubby seems to think.

Expectations.

2011-06-10T11:13:00.000+10:00

In a perfect world I would look like Penelope Cruz, and in her perfect world she'd never have entertained that whole Tom Cruise period. (Sorry, but WTF was that?)

(Just to clarify, this is not me - sooo many similarities, i know)

I'd also have a nuclear family and a fast metabolism. But I don't.

Anyways, foolishly, I have been wishing for so long that certain people wouldn't act that way. That they'd be more caring. More considerate. Warm. A perfect world.

However just recently, I've realised that they're never going to change, and nor should they for me.

Similarly, someone very close to me was given the feedback: "I couldn't reach your expectations if i were on stilts!" And yes, i'm pretty sure this applies to me too.

So from now on, i'm just going to accept things; not fight them. I'll have no expectations.

Because likewise, if people expected me to provide them with intelligent and insightful conversation, I'd need a fucking crane.

Happy Friday! x

Maturity.

2011-06-09T08:43:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I got immense enjoyment from this.

(Google maps)

Because I'm 7.

After ~~needing a blog topic for today~~ much thought, I realised that my sense of humour is immature at the best of times.

So for your enjoyment/mocking of me, here are some silly things i find INCREDIBLY amusing...

1. The idea of naming a male dog with a person's name. Specifically; I want to meet a dog called Philip, or Colin.

2. This photo....

(http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/basset-hounds-running)

3. This scene from Stepbrothers. The yard fight is actually funnier, but this still does it for me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6H3A7W8UgW0&feature=related

4. This poor light saber child. His athleticism and coordination is striking. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU (Thank you Matt for introducing this to me. My life is much richer because of it.)

5. Nick Nolte. Could he be hotter?

(The answer is no.)

Happy Thursday.

Rebecca Sparrow. An Interview. She's Delightful.

2011-06-08T08:23:00.000+10:00

So, I was going to save this interview until next week, but no, I've laughed so hard at these answers that I want to share them with you today...because I'm generous.

This is the incredibly hot writer, Rebecca Sparrow.

You might know her from generally being mofo brilliant, this, this, and my favourite - this. She is so sweet, talented, and one day I'm going to steal her identity. She's been so supportive of me, and actually tweets me back, despite the whole AVO thing.

Anyways, this is ~~my silly interview routine~~ her very serious story...

Please complete this sentence: People named Rebecca are generally the best in the world because…we have the looks of Rebecca Romjin, the personalities of Rebecca Gibney and the talent of Rebecca Hewitt (okay, I think I lost you with that one). Plus we had a suitably sinister book named after us by Daphne Du Maurier.

If you want to have a big sob (where you heave, go into the ugly cry, and slide your back melodramatically down the wall) what song would you listen to?
See, I know what you're expecting. You're expecting me to say something like Eric Carmen's All By Myself or Invisible (I'm humming that as I type) by Alison Moyet or even, I Will Always Love You, right? But no, being the gal that I am, I would immediately put on Yazz and the Plastic Population's The Only Way Is Up to help me slide back up the wall. (Now that I think about it, it's the sort of nice, optimistic type of track that I could have played at my funeral).

Was Shane dying in Home & Away the saddest moment in Australian TV history?
Shane-Smane. EVERYBODY knows the saddest moment on Australian TV was when Molly died on A Country Practice. If you tell me you weren't alive in 1984, I'm going to stop speaking to you. Or how about when Mr Bad blew up a car load of people on E Street? Or when one of those McLeod sisters had to chuck her baby out the car window before she plummeted to her death? Bec, you CLEARLY do not watch enough TV.

Under what circumstances are your ‘judge-y’ (judgmental) pants on high and tight?
When I accidentally put them in the dryer and they shrink.

Do you find that Twisties can sometimes be too pointy when eating?
I'm not a Twisties girl. However I can confirm that Coco Pops hurt the roof of your mouth when you eat them non-stop for, oh I don't know, say, three days straight.

What’s the nicest bit about you?
My small ears.

Sometimes do you just want to drink condensed milk out of the tin?
Yes, I do. Actually, one of my friends in primary school would have a container of condensed milk packed in her lunch box once a week by her mother. WTF? I think her mother is now in jail.

Who on the The West Wing do you want to marry? I’ve got dibs on President Bartlett, I’m sorry (it’s the way he puts on his suit jacket)…
PRESIDENT BARTLETT? Are you dead? It's all the way with Josh Lyman. I totes wanted to be Donna Moss.

What’s an unconventional parenting tip that you wish to impart?
Never put your baby to bed with an enormous brown, dried leaf stuck to the roof of her mouth. She won't appreciate it.

What's the biggest 'appearance disaster' you've experienced? (Me - 2nd degree sunburn on my forehead, followed by the swelling making its way down into my eyelids - attractive)...
The whole of 1989. I went to my school formal looking like I'd walked off the set of Cydi Lauper's Girls Just Want To Have Fun filmclip. Huge mullet dress (long at the back, short at the front), long fingerless gloves. And a perm that made me look like I was balancing a cute poodle on my head.

And that, my dear readers, is why I ADORE Bec Sparrow. Yes. That's right. She's fucking hilarious.

More Things I Know For Sure...

2011-06-07T08:27:00.000+10:00

Painting your nails red is a completely redundant exercise.

Getting distracted when someone is telling a story is a super shitty thing to do.

A chocolate milkshake before you go 4-wheel driving is not smart.

Likewise, cereal, followed by juice, never leads to a positive outcome.

How people speak to their mother is a good indicator of their personality (if their mother isn't a drug addict, etc).

Wearing sunglasses indoors will always make you look like a tool. I don't give a crap how famous you think you are.

There is no such thing as bad halloumi.

You should learn how to use their, they're, and there, correctly.

Few things are better than a man with a beard.

Food, in which you can see the sugar granules, will always taste good.

What do you know for sure?

So, Here's Another Person Patient Enough To Answer My Questions...

2011-06-06T09:20:00.000+10:00

Good morning.

It's Monday, and to make this fact less suckful (it's a word, be quiet), I'm going to introduce you to someone who is not at all...

This is Lana Hirschowitz.

(MILF.)

Lana is a mum, writer, and Managing Editor at Mamamia. She's published some of my stuff, and talks to me, so clearly she has great taste. (Questionable). She writes this appropriately-titled blog (her wit is sharp as anything). I also like her for the fact that she's referenced a skipping race. This conjures up hilarious imagery for me. Because i'm 8...

1. What is your position on Sizzler?

My position on Sizzler is left. Very left. Left behind in fact. I have only ever been to a Sizzler once but that may be because I only arrived in Australia in my 20’s when my taste buds had fully developed. I did however go once for the novelty factor. I ate a lot of jelly. Now that I think about it I may have been at a retirement home that seemed like a Sizzler.

2. Do you think you could beat Rick Morton in a race?

I have already beat Rick Morton in the race of life. By 19 years. I would also totally beat him in a skipping race.

3. What’s something you hate, that everyone else likes, thus you have to bite your lip when they crap on about it?

For the life of me I cannot think of something that I have ever bitten my lip about. But the thing that I hate that everybody likes is sport and even though not everybody likes it my husband and son do and they are the ones who talk the most. (Guinness world Record Fact: My son talks more than any other human on the planet.)

4. Simon Cowell – do you find him just a little bit sexy?

No. I find him very sexy. Along with every single man with a British accent. Some of them I have to close my eyes to get the full effect. I am happy to keep my eyes open when it comes to Simon.

5. What’s a word you use when you’re wanting to sound intelligent?

Encyclopedia Britannica.

6. What’s a frequent, valid complaint about you?

I am over sensitive. And really don’t say anything about that because I am *sobs*

7. Tania Zaetta: Discuss.

I believe you have to be born in Australia to know who she is. I have heard the name or perhaps seen her in a Zoot Review. Maybe. I am tempted to Google her to find out what her claim to fame is but if I remember hearing correctly there were some stories surrendering her and a sex scandal and her and I don’t want to come across images of her having sex.

8. Do you want Jay Z to kiss you? (If you do, you can join the queue, behind me)

I don’t want Beyonce to hate me. I am very sensitive. See question 6 above.

9. What makes you a good person?

A good person in general? – respecting animals and being tolerant of other humans. I am not very tolerant of other humans therefore I fail.

10. Snow cones. The best thing ever?

No. I believe that honour belongs to Cocker Spaniel puppies.

Perm. Come On. Say It.

2011-06-03T06:53:00.000+10:00

If you know me, you'll know I like the word 'perm' (I've already referenced it once publicly this week).

I like the way it sounds, the way it looks, and the imagery it stirs.

Because it's Friday, and you've ended up here, my darling readers, I gift you this:

(forum.davidicke.com)

Rob Brough.

You're welcome.

Please Punch Me In The Face If I:

2011-06-02T08:48:00.000+10:00

Try to sell you Amway / join any pyramid selling scheme.

Update my Facebook status mentioning the stool consistency of my child (people do that; it is sick).

Talk about Tony Abbott in a favourable way.

Start speaking like a Valley girl. I can do this if I watch enough The Hills. It's not attractive. I think I might have mentioned this before. That's how anti I am.

(Please also punch me in the face if I ever pose like this.)

Complain re: first world problems. For example, I've caught myself whining about having too much change in my purse; that it wouldn't close. Yes. I fucking suck sometimes.

Laugh at anything Charlie Sheen says.

Start to argue the merits of Andrew Bolt. He is a narcissistic shit. So, even when I'm older and grumpier - please don't let me listen to him. Being a fan of his = not a good look.

Ever try and krump. Actually, I deserve more than a punch in the face for this. Go all out.

Stop laughing at myself. Highly strung people suck. Fact. I've been one. And I sucked.

What should we punch you in the face for?

A Funny Fellow You Should Follow.

2011-06-01T11:28:00.001+10:00

This is Rick Morton.

I know him online only. How embarrassing. What's more embarrassing is that his jokes are far better than mine (not hard, I'm aware). Anyways, he hasn't deleted me as a Facebook friend, so I'm assuming he liked my high-brow questions, or hasn't got around to it yet...

What do you do to make money?
I'm the wily News Editor at online magazine www.mamamia.com.au. Previously I was a media advisor to a Government Minister, so you can't say my experiences have not been diverse.

What are you most passionate about?
This is going to sound really absurd. My passions are split. I'm passionate about social issues (gay marriage, anyone?), writing and writing with really amazing pens. I think I once developed a sort of weird anxiety in my first newsroom when I discovered the free stationery cabinet pens were just awful. I mean, truly awful. I still carry the scars.

If you see a washed-up jellyfish do you go to poke its head?
Yes, but only as a means to provoke an 'are you alive' response. But jellyfish don't really have proper brains, so that would prove counter-productive anyway. This leads neatly to my next awareness campaign: helmets for jellyfish.

Do you find Tony Jones getting narky as entertaining as I do?
Anything Tony Jones does is sexy. The Silver Fox entertains me in all his wordly guises. I find his 'disdain' face the sexiest and, therefore, most entertaining. Closely followed by his 'oh REALLY' face. He can take things as a comment with me any day of the week.

Would you perm your hair if it came back in fashion?
Never. More to the point, I would make it a federal offence for anybody to perm their hair. Having said that, I'm a terrible fashion follower and generally about one year behind the latest trends. If perms came back and I saw that people were really getting into them I would be the guy booking his appointment as the 'bald chic' visage was on the rise.

What’s the best thing about you?
This is a really good question. You give good questions. The best thing? My modesty. And the other best thing? Everything. No, you're actually going to make me choose something? OK. I'm curious. About everything. I like to read and learn and ask questions. I think that's the best thing anybody can do in this life. Basically, if you're trying to broaden your horizons (no matter what point you start from) then I'm going to think you're pretty damn cool.

Have you ever confused bi-carb soda with sugar when you wanted a quick cupboard sugar fix?
I actually do not have a sweet tooth at all. I don't eat lollies ever. I rarely have chocolate. I have, however, combined bi-carb soda with vinegar while making a childhood volcano experiment. It was pretty awesome. But sadly, not edible.

What gelato flavour offends you?
Basically any gelati flavour that yells out 'hey, faggot'!

What celebrity do you feel would definitely want to marry you, if only you had the chance to meet?
This is actually really difficult. I am wholly embarrassed to say that I was once very convinced Pink would be my best friend if we ever had the chance to meet properly. Ironically, I had a long chat to her husband Carey in my hometown. I couldn't help but hide my eye daggers the entire time. Pink should be MY friend! But that is embarrassing and please pretend I never said anything. I think Neil Patrick Harris and I would totally be besties, and maybe even marry. And get a dog. One of those fashionable dogs. That rides around in a bag.

What’s your biggest time waster?
Twitter. Without a doubt. But now I get paid to do it too. And the line gets blurred somewhat between what is for work and what isn't. Oh well!

Will Velcro buckle shoes ever be cool?
Never. And I am so glad you brought this up because I wore Velcro shoes in primary school until Year 3 because I just could not - could not - tie my own shoelaces. I could spell any word under the sun, but I lacked the perculiar fine motor function of my peers. It wasn't all that bad, my best friend had such poor responses he could not even grip the monkey bars. Ha! What a loser.

What would make your life better?
If all of my friends from Brisbane (and you too, I'm sure) would move to Sydney and be near me. Everything else is perfect at the moment, but I would dearly love some company!

Follow this sir on twitter, or check out his blog. He is cool.

Stupid Things I Do:

2011-05-31T12:49:00.000+10:00

Intentionally give myself foot cramps by bending my feet over on themselves.

Pull a stray fringe hair out, rather than bothering to comb it back into place.

Avoid doing the most practical thing (because i don't feel like it) knowing full well that by avoiding it, it will turn into a massive pain in the bum eventually (i.e. a growing dirty clothes basket, confrontation, making good food choices).

Touch the iron, GHD, and /or stove to assess whether they've cooled down.

Jump to the most horrible, unrealistic conclusion if I haven't received an answer to something within 5 minutes.

Read/watch things that I know will make me angry, then, get angry.

Play a new favourite song, one million times exactly, knowing that doing so will soon make me hate it.

Spend a ridiculously wasteful amount of time writing lists like this.

(I know I've used this image before, but i think it's most appropriate. I can be stupid, but hopefully not this stupid. Not open to debate.)

What stupid things do YOU do?

Dear Younger Bec,

2011-05-31T07:32:00.000+10:00

A lot of people have been writing letters to their younger self.

Because I'm completely unoriginal, and self-absorbed, I've decided to do the same today.

Enjoy my self-indulgence.

Bec,

Don't run back to your pre-school that afternoon to retrieve your art project. It's not important. And the smack on the bum from Mum will hurt.

Your parents aren't any more embarrassing than anyone else's.

Learn the violin. You will LOVE this instrument.

Keeping a snail farm will stink.

Continue playing netball. You're actually okay at it. A 10 year break from it is not going to help your skills, nor your cellulite.

Get some self-confidence.
It is totally fine to not like the clubbing scene. You are a flat shoes gig girl.

Spend as much time with your Mum as you can.

Don't study psychology. You don't want to be a psychologist.

Leave.

Go to every concert you want to (especially Michael Jackson's). They're what give you your goosebumps. Similarly, don't throw out your Spice Girls CD. Who cares what she thinks?

Stay in Paris for longer; learn French. Travel.

Make sure the company you keep deserves your company.

Read more.

Stop. Stressing. Or consume tonnes of Rescue Remedy.

Dad's doing the best he can.

Speak to those girls - straight away - they'll end up being your besties.

Eat as much crap food as you can, because you won't be able to when you're older than 16.

Go to Amazons all the time. They close it, and that sucks. A lot.

So, what would you advise YOUR younger self?

Defriending.

2011-05-30T14:09:00.000+10:00

Last night a very good friend turned against me.

The betrayal was unexpected, disappointing and hurtful.

Let me set the scene...

This past month or so, I've been eating very well. Not so well such that vegetables have been making their way into my mouth and actually causing nutrition, but well in that I haven't been overdosing on cholesterol/sugar as per my usual daily (pro-health) eating routine. I put this down to a certain masterchef who has been feeding me yum bits and pieces and then some.

Anyways, last night I was craving some pub grub. Specifically, my friend Mr Chicken Parmigiana. It had been too long between fat/drinks.

(I once found this attractive.)

Our meeting took place at the Everton Park Hotel, and cost $20.95.

Mr Chicken appeared to be in fine form.

He arrived on an oversized plate, surrounded by hot chips, and what tried very hard to be classified as a 'salad' in that it was green.

Our date was about 25 minutes long. Mr Chicken however overstayed his welcome for about 3 hours.

Specifically, he made me look pregnant. Hot.

Then, he made me feel pregnant.

I felt like i had a 10 year old child in my stomach, who was having an all-out kicking tantrum/epileptic fit. So. This was fun getting into my car. This was fun with the seat belt strapped tightly around my tum. This was fun driving home. This was fun getting every red light. This was fun being at home. This was fun hanging with someone i more than like. If you exchange 'fun' for the word 'shit'.

So Chicken Parmigiana. Yes. That's right. Your friend count has gone down. You've been defriended.

There's only so much abuse I can take.

To New Farm, I'm Sorry.

2011-05-29T12:22:00.002+10:00

This morning I did the unthinkable.

I was selfish.

I was offensive.

I won't ever do it again.

At 10.07am today I confronted the people of New Farm. With an unmade up face. Freckles, pigmentation, and red marks. You know, the stuff dreams are made of.

(Me in the morning. That's the hotness right there.)

Anyways.

The New Farmers could see me coming. They were sipping their chai lattes; comparing Louis Vuittons, and patting their labradoodles.

Their horror could still be seen through their botox stifled faces.

I approached them slowly, to prevent shock and likelihood of heart attack.

I looked mostly at the ground.

I went about my business as swiftly as possible.

I made sure to smile at small children so as to not to cause them to cry. Some of them cuddled into the legs of their parents in fear. "What IS that Mummy?"

I'm sorry New Farm. I won't do it again.

Walking with Housemate.

2011-05-28T16:29:00.000+10:00

Me: Hey F, do you mind if we walk up to the shops today? I know I originally said we'll drive, but i just saw myself full frontal and a walk is needed...

F: No worries at all.

****
Me: So glad we decided to walk hey, it's a gorgeous day.

- End of street -

Me: So. Whose idea was this walking business?

Rebecca Jade McGuire. Athlete.

(Me. Yes i might have changed a bit since you last saw me.)

If You'd Like Me To Leave Your Place...

2011-05-26T08:47:00.001+10:00

I can be pretty annoying. FACT.

Thus, here are some helpful tips if you're sick of my face and you'd like me out of your field of vision...

1. Talk politics whilst we eat. Tony Abbott should not be paired with food consumption. Not conducive to digestion.

(No. Not part of the healthy food pyramid.)

2. Argue. I'd prefer to slowly rotate blunt and splintered chopsticks into my eardrums than listen to people fight.

3. Put a movie on at 8.30pm. If i'm lying down; there's no sun in sight, and i'm not allowed to talk - i am asleep.

4. Pash on. Yes, i'd prefer to see you pash on than fight, but seeing your saliva exchange leads me to picture you having sex. Ick, and all kinds of no.

5. Suggest we watch A Current Affair. My mind is made up regarding the always controversial butter vs margarine debate, thus the only enjoyment i'm going to get from this show is laughing at T Grimshaw's shiny, botoxed face and fish lips, which I've been told, quite aggressively, is not the point.

So, how would i get you to leave my place?

No Negotiation (Yes FACTS Again)

2011-05-24T08:21:00.000+10:00

Generally speaking, Rebecca Doormat McGuire is my way of being, but there are a few things that i will not bend on/will sulk in the corner if you challenge them:

1. You say "bless you" when people sneeze. This shows you're aware of stuff going on outside of your own self-importance

2. I will watch Edward Scissorhands when it's on TV. I don't care if i've seen it a million times before - inconsequential

(Johnny Depp in his prime/me in the morning)

3. Bob Katter is hilarious. His voice is especially so

4. Gretel Killeen is actually very intelligent and witty, and Big Brother was just a bad/embarrassing 7 year or so period

5. Content rarely matters; it's all in the way you say it

6. If you don't like Paul Simon - there is something wrong with you

7. Watching Two and a Half Men is the equivalent of choosing alcoholism - you are killing brain cells

8. The answer is always chocolate

9. Playing games / being manipulative / trying to be someone else is super shit and will waste.your.life.

10. Baywatch was awesome, at one stage

Things Most People Enjoy, But I Do Not:

2011-05-23T09:59:00.000+10:00

Sharing food with family at restaurants. I'm sorry, but i ordered my dish because I want to eat it. I don't want you to eat all of it (Dad), and no, I don't want to eat your food, which is why I didn't order it.

Paintball. I can think of nothing more traumatic than being chased by FRIENDS carrying a gun, who want to shoot me. Hard. Leaving a mark. And potentially; on my already struggling face. How is this friendship?

(Nightmarish)

Coffee. Your teeth go yellow, and your breath stinks, and it keeps you up FOREVER. Where is the fun bit?

Watching Masterchef. I prefer to keep my already splintered and frail self-esteem in tact; watching others completely dominate cooking whereas i struggle to identify different vegetables (i.e. carrot) at Coles, is not enjoyable for me.

Bonfires. Staring at a fire when i could be spooning my pillow or someone unfortunate enough to share a bed with me, is not ideal.

What normal things do you not enjoy?

Celebrities I'd Be Friends With:

2011-05-20T09:42:00.000+10:00

I'm an okay person when I'm not being annoying (rarely).

So this got me thinking, who would I be besties with, within the celebrity arena? (A natural Rebecca tangent.)

After ~~my 2 minute car trip to work this morning~~ considered and lengthy pondering, this is my celebrity BFF list:

1. Nat from Sunrise. She rolls her eyes, doesn't suffer fools, and has bite. This is why i like her - we are similar - and why a lot of people don't like me.

2. Christina Ricci. She is different looking, I am different looking. We could bond over having high foreheads.

3. Whoopi Goldberg. Has little care for clothes/fashion and cannot put an outfit together. Same same.

4. Kelly Cutrone. She is super, super soft on the inside, and displays mollface on the out. I was once described as a 'cactus'. I think we'd be great friends.

5. Khloe Kardashian. When asked whether she was pregnant or not, she replied with "No, I'm just fat." LOVE that girl. She'd tell me that my arse makes my arse looks big in my jeans. This is a gf you want.

(Blunt.)

Who would be your celebrity BFFs?

I Am Frightened Of:

2011-05-19T14:25:00.001+10:00

Being hit in the eye by any object

Scary shit.

Choko. I hate the sound. I hate the look of it.
Most nightclubs and the people who frequent them
Being clawed on the backs of my ankles by cats
Spelling something incorrectly
Having to make conversation with people who are far more intelligent (they don't care about SeaChange, Rebecca)
Watching Funniest Home Videos on a Saturday Night - confirmation i have no life
Having to wear togs after eating pasta
What follows after donning an always oversized and disgusting looking disposable g-string...uggg
Unseen and suspicious-looking stains on my clothes, noticed far too late (note, they are never suspicious though, just to confirm)
People popping balloons. Why.Do.You.Do.That.?
Pillow fights. No, i don't want to be smacked in the face with a pillow. Yes, i get that it's soft, but it is still not preferable over sitting quietly
Having to watch or play golf. I'd certainly be up for inserting tees into my eyes though.

So, what stupid crap are you frightened of?

Stupid Questions for an Opposite-of-Stupid (i.e Smart) Lady

2011-05-18T14:41:00.000+10:00

Hello.

Please meet Carly Findlay.

I like her, firstly because she was patient enough to stomach my usual stupid questions, and secondly, because she has a lovely blog. My favourite thing about her though is that she talks about many different things, and irrelevant things, all at once.This is a skill. But I'll put my serious pants on now: she's also a very admirable young woman with a chronic illness.

Quick change. *Don't look, pervert.*

Serious pants are off again, so let her tolerance, and my idiocy, begin...

Who are you, really?
A late (but always punctual) 20something Melbourne woman, looking much younger than my years, and always looking for Mr Right.

I work full time, am a freelance writer, and a TV presenter on Channel 31's No Limits program.

My main thoughts are 'what will I wear next?'and 'what will I eat next?'. I like cooking and eating, shopping, fashion, writing, seeing live music and meeting celebrities. I once waited for Darren Hayes for six hours outside the TV studio. It was a Melbourne winter. Some girls rocked up after I'd been waiting five and three quarter hours, and I told them to queue up behind me to meet Darren, as I've been waiting a long time. They did. Marcia Hines was also there. She was really interested in talking to me, but I needed to cut our conversation short to go meet Darren Hayes (for the seventh time).

What do you write about?

Life. Bands, food, fashion, my oft-failed romances, meeting celebrities, and chronic illness/disability.

Why do you write?
Because I love it. I love articulating my thoughts. I love the community writing creates. And I love continuously improving my observation, research and writing skills.
I enjoy interviewing people and creating an article. There's always a story to be told.

Stupid questions:

1. What are your feelings on the always relevant topic of Jennifer Aniston?

If she stopped making awful movies, maybe her love life would be more successful. Hold on, does that mean I am also making awful movies??? She's dated Brad Pitt and John Mayer. I don't find either of them attractive.

2. What do you do that you know is bad for you, but you can't help?

Scratch. I can't help it but I am always itchy. Sometimes my scalp gets so itchy I scratch my head on corners of furniture. Is that too much information? Deal with it.

3.What is a topic that you have absolutely no interest in, thus when people talk about it, you employ hardcore listening skills such as nodding intermittently and maintaining eye contact, whilst wondering what's on TV tonight?

When people talk about their love for singers that I hate. Like their passion for Chris Brown, Katy Perry, Usher and Nickleback. Often they tell me how talented these singers are. I immediately feel like whipping out my iPod and giving them an earful of talent. Dare me to?

4. Pearl Bay (SeaChange) or Wandin Valley (A Country Practice)?

Wandin Valley. I have a soft spot for Matt Day. He's cute.

5. When have the Karma Police caught up with you?

For all those times my jaw has dropped when seeing people wearing clothes that should not be worn, I once had my skirt tucked into my undies while I waited for a train. A lady alerted me. She told me she doesn't think anyone saw. Of course they saw. She did.

6. What is your arguing style? (Eg. tantrum-thrower, avoid conflict altogether, screamer, snark?)

I think I am a sulker and a princess.

7. What are you frightened of that is stupid?

Milk touching me. I hate it. I hate seeing spilled milk too.

8. What's the nicest bit about your personality?

I am always forgiving those I shouldn't. That's the nice/doormat bit of my personality.

9. Do you think Oprah is full of herself?

If I was that successful - and one day I will be - I would be parading my confidence and success too. I think she should take me under her bingo wings, and together we can rule the world with our TV presenting skills, big appetites, curly hair and African heritage (the four things I know we have in common). I like her. She helps the needy and she's vibrant.

10. Do you ever wonder what happened to Nudge from Hey Dad? If so, what's your hypothesis? (Do not Google.)

No. Never. But I wonder if Betty was based on an actual person, and just how many computer screens she ruined by Whiteout.

The end. Look out Oprah. Your couch is mine. *Cough.

Objects I Hate.

2011-05-17T14:25:00.000+10:00

Yes do-gooders, hate IS a strong word, but is unarguably correct/appropriate for the following items:

Coat hangers. These are annoying and sometimes pointy and sharp. Try stepping on a wire hook if you don't think they're sharp. Then report back to me.

Cheese graters. So much potential for injury. Finger tip blood is not cool.

Blackboards. Please don't scrape your fucking nails down it okay, I know it's tempting, but don't.

Sandpaper. Similar to the above. Gross to touch. Gross to listen to.

Soy sauce packets. I challenge you to open one without spillage. (If you can do this, please teach me how. Seriously, accost me on the street.)

The top bit of stockings. I would love to see a woman's body that doesn't look ugly in this top bit. Am i the only person whose 'small' sized stockings seem to reach her boobs (which do not hang low btw)? Also, the front seam is disgusting.

Anything in the colour beige. Because, beige is not a colour. Rather, it is an error of judgement.

(This image is offensive in so many ways.)

What objects do you hate?